Scrabble

Recently, while partially confined due to current circumstances, we retrieved an old Scrabble game that had been hidden away in a closet for years, and now we play at least three times a week. Lyn, my wife, wins more than half the time, a factor I consider puzzling because I have spent decades writing, and therefore, in my own mind at least, should have a definite advantage in word games.

However, I have concluded the disparity is because there is a rule against using words that aren’t words but should be words even though they’re not included on the official Scrabble list or any dictionary. If allowed, they would make me an unbeatable Scrabble-r because I have compiled a lengthy list of such words just in case there is ever a need for them, such as rewriting the language.

Here are a few words that – I think – should be words. If you’d like, try to sneak one into a Scrabble game or crossword puzzle next time you’re playing.

Freezling – A baby icicle.

Mallardy –  A sequence of single tones that form a duck song.

Scentence – A punishment given to the person who made up the story about the newspaper reporter who went to work for a zoo because he had a nose for gnus.

Shampagne – Imitation bubbly.

Shampain – A fake hangover produced by consuming way too much shampagne.

Conburpsation – A verbal exchange between two beer drinkers.

Tontorantula – A faithful and trusted hairy arachnid.

Idiosinkracy – Washing all the dishes by hand before putting them into the dishwasher.

Aunticipation – Wondering if your father’s rich sister will mention you in her will.

Porkupine – The result of a genetic experiment that crosses hogs with Christmas trees.

Twoition – What you have to cough up when your twins say they both want to go to college.

Clamity – A disaster at a seafood bar.

Oshun – Purposely avoiding large bodies of water.

Anonymoos – Unattributed cow sounds.

Kazoozoo – A place where they display wild musical instruments in cages. 

Craneotomy – The surgery required to remove a large bird from your head.

Referendump – Letting the voters decide where to put the new landfill.

Dewbious – Ambiguous moisture in the morning.

Draculard – A vampire who prefers hogs.

Brewnette – A dark-haired beer.

Integritty – Maintaining your composure and dignity in a sandstorm.

Parnography – X-rated movies about major golf tournaments.

Symptomb – An indication that you got something really, really, really bad.

Automotivation – A warning from the finance company that your car’s going to be repossessed unless you start making the payments.

Elephront – The forward end of a huge jungle beast.

Basketbowl – An effort to cut down on high-scoring basketball games by making the players use an eight-pound black ball with finger holes.

Ambidextrose – A sugar-making process that can be performed with either hand.

Barceloney – An unsophisticated sausage produced in Spain.

Driplomat – A tactful person who can fix a leaky faucet merely by talking to it.

Flopera – A classic musical production that folds after opening night.

Kongregation – A gathering of church-going giant apes.

Sinseriously – What they do on soap operas.

Symphoney – A fake orchestra playing fake classical music with fake instruments. 

Floot – A musical instrument used by burglars.

Condorminium – Housing for large birds.

Flinguine – A pasta made for throwing.

Flossil – Something caught in your teeth since the Paleozoic Era.

Chrysthanthemummy – A flower that’s been dead a long time. A very long time.

Egyptya – A term that means “that guy from Cairo cheated you.”

Sewercide – The act of doing oneself in by swallowing a manhole cover.

Caberneigh – A red wine for when you’re just horsing around.

Ampiguous – Not really caring one way or another about how bacon is made.

Siouxshi – A raw fish dish popular with Native Americans from the Dakotas.

Gallopera – A classic musical production in which horses sing arias.

Zeifer – A cow that moves with amazing speed.

Spuddle – A small pool of potato juice.

Catastrophy – An award given for starting an earthquake.

Burytone – A singing undertaker.

Hissterical – How snakes get when they hear an old Bob Hope recording of “Fangs for the Memories.”

Zirconnecticutt – An imitation state in New England.

Paraflute – A musical instrument that can, in emergencies, be used to escape from a disabled airplane.

Balloonacy – An insane desire to inhale and hold your breath in the belief that it’ll make you lighter than air and thus weigh less.

Comacomma – A punctuation mark used to designate prolonged states of unconsciousness.

Inhairitance – Leaving your toupee to a favorite nephew in your will.

Carbage – What a substantial number of used automobiles become shortly after they’re purchased.

Odorly – Getting all the smells lined up in neat rows.

Jestify – The act of defending an extremely bad joke.

Smogly – An adverb used in reference to polluted air, as in, “So how was your trip to Los Angeles?” she asked. “Smogly,” came the reply.

Farmacy – An agricultural drug store

Xeroxen – Photocopies of work cattle.

Fluffle – Residue that escapes from a pillow when it’s being smooshed.

– Sam Lowe is a former Valley newspaperman who now writes about his travels across Arizona, the U.S. and the globe.